she spent all day ripping crayola to pieces,
rainbows stuck beneath her fingernails --
colorsticks soon mashed together, flecks of
a childhood blown to smithereens littering the
lonely Spanish tiles of a kitchen floor.
all around, the bulk of metal phenomena
broil and hum into a clattering mechanical execution
of life. her prying fingers manage to snatch
the fruit flies from the cold metal fortresses,
these creatures to which with dangling legs die,
gushing their soul over salmon tongues and
teeth tiny, white, strung on a bracelet for
her father's wrist.
Girls' playthings belong in a toy box, to which
a padlock secures bare-breasted barbies,
wheel-less fire trucks, and
pretty little things with
their heads ripped off.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Ooh, shivers. I completely approve of the theme and meaning of this poem, and probably most of the phrases.
Line/stanza breaks: Okay, just stanza things, really. I'm all for having one sentence be continued on another stanza, but you only have two stanzas, and split one sentence between them. I'd either stick that phrase entirely with one stanza, or break up the poem more so that it doesn't just happen in one place. I would actually approve of the first gigantic chunk of a stanza being broken up a little more - just a little easier for the reader.
The really annoying thing here is that "girls'" is capitalized. You haven't capitalized anything else (except for Spanish, but that's excused as a proper noun) and it's really distractingly out of place. Really minor bit: shouldn't it be "in which" not "to which". The padlock is securing the things in the toybox, not to it, right?
I disagree with Cameron; that part about is fruit flies is cool. I mean, yeah, it's long, but it's not so "convoluted" that I couldn't understand it. The sound and rhythm it has is great.
In the "teeth tiny, white" part just put a comma in between teeth and tiny.
"...pretty little things with their heads ripped off." YES!
Fantastic piece.
Colleen
This is convoluted.
I don't know if I like "teeth tiny, white". The white isn't entirely necessary, and the inverse of tiny teeth sounds awkward. Maybe "tiny teeth" or "tiny white teeth". Otherwise, another good piece.
Cameron